a beautiful mess || faith

I originally had a long, rant-like post queued up to post but couldn't, for one reason or another, press 'publish'. I feel like I'm facing all these broken little pieces in me and it's finally time to pick them up and do something about them. It's nearly impossible to put them all together to make what was. Instead I hold on to 2 Corinthians 5:7 'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old is gone, the new is here!'

“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, "A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God."

The gospel of grace nullifies our adulation of televangelists, charismatic superstars, and local church heroes. It obliterates the two-class citizenship theory operative in many American churches. For grace proclaims the awesome truth that all is gift. All that is good is ours not by right but by the sheer bounty of a gracious God. While there is much we may have earned--our degree and our salary, our home and garden, a Miller Lite and a good night's sleep--all this is possible only because we have been given so much: life itself, eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love. We have been given God in our souls and Christ in our flesh. We have the power to believe where others deny, to hope where others despair, to love where others hurt. This and so much more is sheer gift; it is not reward for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer. Even our fidelity is a gift, "If we but turn to God," said St. Augustine, "that itself is a gift of God." 

My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.” 

- Brennan Manning 'Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out'

excellent in love || life

I'm sorry I've completely abandoned this blog. The month of February was ridiculous. It was busy with school. I was emotionally detached and spiritually stalled. When I'm disengaged with God and with myself I find it hard to be engaged with people, with my photography and with writing.

When I'm disengaged with people I find that I'm barely getting by. I exist, I work, I eat, and sleep.
Put that on repeat and that's what February consisted of.

I wanted to do really well in my program in regards to all my assignments. I worked really hard but I think I had more failures than successes last month. I found myself wallowing in frustration because I wasn't doing as well as I wanted to

No one wants to fail. Failure and rejection are the two life experiences I hate the most.
I'm not sure if its the case with most people, but I like to believe that we all have this intrinsic need/want for greatness.
No one wants to be last. We're trained from a young age to win, be the best, aim for perfection and avoid failure. We don't want to be left behind.

I find it hard to balance my life -  I want to do great in this new world of photojournalism, which I blindly and ignorantly entered into,  but I don't want to completely abandon everyone and everything else.

If I'm going to be known for anything I want it to be something beyond my ability to take photos and tell stories. This is just a medium for me to connect with this scary world. This is simply a way for me to discover myself and the untold stories I stumble upon. This is my way into someone's life to love them, to bless them and to learn from them.

If I strive for excellence in the wrong areas I lose myself.

If you've ever read A Wrinkle in Time you'll know why love is the most powerful weapon, tool and medium to bring some change to this broken world. It's not my photography, it's not my writing or intelligence that'll change anything. It's love.

Love drives out fear and darkness.

When we love and we know we're love it compels us to without so much pressure.
Anxiety and fear cripple me when I try to be excellent as a photographer. It's tiring and not worth it.
But if I make every effort to love and that's all my life is marked by, I would be satisfied.

Without love I am nothing.

“If she could give love to IT perhaps it would shrivel up and die, for she was sure that IT could not withstand love.” 

A Wrinkle in Time

You are Good || Faith

Lord You Are Good- New Philly Gospel Choir Thanksgiving Banquet Performance from New Philadelphia on Vimeo.

There are times when absolutely nothing goes your way and it seems like the whole world is against you. But God is good. All. The. Time.

let truth be the prejudice || life

One of my favourite parts of being in photojournalism school is my history class. The last time I took a history course was in my first year in university and it was terrible. History of photojournalism is not your typical history course. 

Last week we learned about W. Eugene Smith. He's an American photojournalist who struggled his entire professional career to abide to the truth. He did not believe in compromising any of his professional standards. If his photos in a magazine or newspaper didn't fit with his personal vision, he would be really upset if they were published. He believed in truth and integrity when it came to photography. 

We watched a documentary/video on his life and his struggle with photography. It was called "W. Eugene Smith: Photography Made Difficult". 

It was painful to watch at times because of how real and emotional he was with photography. Some may say it was excessive, but all he wanted was to be honest.

As I take on different projects I find myself in constant turmoil with what I'm doing. I don't want to just do something for the sake of doing it. There has to be purpose and reason to everything I do. Maybe I'm an idealist, realist, dreamer, whatever... I just don't like the status quo. I can't fake something or pretend to like something when I don't. 

Before I went to Korea in 2009 I was barely going through life. You know... merely surviving and always looking forward to the next best thing. In high school, my goal was to get to university. During university it was to graduate, after graduating it was to find my career, marriage, the next country I could visit, etc. I lived each day in anticipation for the next. I was a zombie; alive but dead. 

Not until I became honest with myself and sought after the truth was I able to truly become alive. I had been swallowed up by lies and confusion. I believed I was good for nothing. I believed I had no real purpose in this world, I believed I was unwanted and I would never be good at anything. What a terrible way to live. To fight against these lies without any truth to back you up. 

I've learned the importance of being honest with myself, remaining true to what I believe in even if the whole world is against it, and fighting for the truth. 

In everything you do, do it with honesty. Anything that is real will last forever; imitations and counterfeits are cheap and eventually breakdown; they become useless.   

My principle concern is for honesty, above all honesty with myself..." - W. Eugene Smith

With considerable soul searching, that to the utmost of my ability, I have let truth be the prejudice. - W. Eugene Smith

John 8:32b

the truth will set you free

happy thanksgiving || life

fall 2008. taken with my holga. 

this is a time to be thankful. 

i am surrounded by good people, good food and good scenery
i am loved
i've got peace and joy in my heart

i know i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

in reality, there's so much to complain about. more often than we'd like life isn't very fair.

we don't get what we want. 

we're hurt

we hurt others

we lose

we're defeated

nothing is exciting

the little life we have left is robbed by darkness

but i know, from the short amount of time i've been alive, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

always. 

we have to fight to live. life is worth fighting for. 

i want to be bigger than my circumstances

i want to be thankful when nothing makes sense

i am thankful. 

for you. 

for your faithfulness, your love, your loyalty, your goodness. 

happy thanksgiving my friends (even for you non-Canadians) 

26 years || life

© Christopher King

This week has been a crazy week. 

Monday evening, as I was going out to do some last minute photos for my assignment, I noticed my pouch with my harddrive, usb stick and 64gb SD card, was missing. Apart from losing a camera or a lens, this is probably the next worst thing to lose as a photographer. I was losing my mind because I couldn't remember what I had done with it last. I talked with a good friend of mine that night and was reminded of a simple truth. Trust in God. You know those aren't the words you want to hear when you're going off the wall trying to find something very important, but they were perfect. 

But Tuesday morning the reality of my stuff being lost sunk in. I couldn't go to class. I needed to sleep it off and look around everywhere for it. My heart and my mind was so restless. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had to do everything I could to try to find it so I wouldn't have any excuse later. Nothing. Tuesday was a crappy day until my seminar class. 

Seminar classes are amazing because we have awesome photographers come in to talk to us, to show us their work and motivate us. This guy, Ian Willms, was incredible. A lot of photographers have a lot of ego. This guy was different. He was real. He was vulnerable with us and wasn't afraid to show us what he's gone through in life. Photographers rarely talk about themselves, let alone the pain and joys they've experienced as a person; as a photographer. Ian was different. He mentioned things about his mother who was mentally ill or addicted to drugs, how he was estranged from his father for 4 years, how he went across the country to be with a girl who was already with someone, etc. His final word to us was "Be yourself!" That's it. That's what you gotta be in life. Don't try to emulate anyone else out there, but be you. The world needs YOU, not another copy of someone that already exists. 

What a great way to end my crappy night. Tuesday night my birthday messages started to flood in from my friends in Korea since they're 13 hours ahead of me. 

I love birthdays. I know some people don't like to celebrate their birthday, but I love it. So I wasn't sure how it was going to work in Belleville since I don't have a lot of friends here. It worked out great! I got some pretty cool gifts from my good friends, we went out for wings and was surrounded by good company for the night. 

26 years. It's been an amazing 26 years. I'm starting my 27th year of life. I know there's much more ahead in store for me so I'm excited. Losing my harddrive and whatever, no biggie. I don't know why it happened, but it's ok. It's just a small setback. There's much more to be thankful for. I am alive. He is faithful. I have good family and good friends in my life. He is by my side. I have you guys as my faithful readers. He is trustworthy. 

I'll try to make sure I'm on top of replying to comments if they end up in my email!

love must be sincere || faith

It's the last week of September. I don't know if time is going by fast or slow. Being back in school is a lot more difficult than I anticipated. When I was in my undergrad I had a lot of restless and sleepless nights. It's starting to happen again as I start to think about my projects and assignments. It's difficult also with photography because I'll go through my head with what I could have and should have done, but you can't rewind your day. You can't go back and find the people you randomly met to redo the shot.

With photojournalism it's all about timing. Am I ready for the possibilities of events that may happen? Am I bold enough to talk to strangers and dig a bit deeper into their lives? Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing, but as soon as I meet people and talk to them I find myself coming alive.

This morning I woke up and read Romans 12. Verse 9 states, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." Is this evident in every area of my life even my classes, my assignments, my projects? Am I giving it all that I am? Am I loving without any boundaries?

I can't do it on my own. I can barely love my friends and family sincerely, how am I supposed to do this with people I barely know, people in my class, and even my teachers that irk me? I'm becoming painfully aware of my inability to do anything without the power and love of my Daddy. I'm drained when I try to love others selflessly. I get hurt when I give and give.

For when I am weak, then I am strong. His grace is sufficient for me and I have no choice but to cling on to this. I feel that I'll be ruined if I live my life without it.

freedom || life

photo by Michelle K

I'm still alive! I know it's been ages since I've been able to write, but remember when I mentioned that August would be marked by joy, intimacy and love? Those are the exact reasons why I haven't been able to blog. 

Only in freedom are we able to experience true joy, intimacy and love. Otherwise there's a lot of baggage and pain mixed in with all of it. A lot of the intimacy and joy that I've experienced was always combined with bitterness and grudges. Before this breakthrough of joy, intimacy and love I was really restless. There were a lot of battles going on in the mind which manifested in the way I spoke and interacted with others. I found myself getting annoyed and upset with people. Isolation sounded sweeter than community. I overworked myself so that I wouldn't have to see anyone or deal with any raw emotions. It was all a set up; a set up to break into a life of freedom. There's a cost to be paid for freedom, but it's worth it. Don't settle for a counterfeit freedom.

I feel so free. My family has experienced a lot of breakthrough as each member cleaned out their messy drawers without any fear of judgement. I'm experiencing restoration in broken friendships and even current friendships. Christ set me free for freedom. I know it sounds redundant, but I feel like I confused freedom with being a good and sound Christian. 

Christ died so that I would be free from depression, rejection, and confusion. Christ died so I can fully live in true freedom. Freedom isn't doing whatever I want, but no longer being under the bondage of darkness. 

I have so much more to share! It's the last day of August and I'm ready for September. September is a new month and the start to a new season. I have no idea what to expect. I'm leaving for school in 4 days. I've never done this kind of thing before -- go of to some small town, live with people I don't know, be at a school and city where I don't know a single soul. Terrifying, but exciting too. 

This blog, and each of you guys that read, are part of this transition. I may need you for encouragement and for words of wisdom. I may need you to simply read and support me. You've done an amazing job of supporting me and I'm so blessed that this blog has even come this far. I'm still so clueless as to what I'm doing with this blog but I'm comforted by every single reader and comment that ends up on this blog. Thank you! 

(Btw, please pray for my eyes. Another reason why I haven't blogged for so long is because my left eye got worse so things on the computer screen give me a headache and I can't afford an eye check up yet. I just need prayer for no headaches or dizziness. Thanks!)

greater things ahead || life

I looked out the window tonight and saw this. The clouds were unreal. So big, so captivating, so beautiful but so far away. Sometimes life doesn't make sense to me. More often than I like, I feel if I let go of something I'll get something worse in return. I don't know if I'm having some quarter-life crisis, but I've never been so introspective of my life until now. 

Thank you C.S Lewis for your words of wisdom and hope. The future has yet to be written so nothing is set in stone. The possibilities of where my life will go are endless. I'm mentally drained from fighting myself everyday. 

Surrender || I'll try

Trust || who?

Love || Impossible

Be free || how?

I can't be the author of my life anymore. 

God, knowing that you are Lord over my life should make this easier right? 

You're a better story-writer anyway. 

voice of hope || faith

Did you know we're at war? No one told me this, but when I look around me it's pretty obvious. We're caught up in a war where darkness seems to be winning. We can't go a day without hearing about some  sort of injustice and brokenness. 

We're fighting for hope in a very broken world. 

hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen

When we're faced with trials and tragic circumstances we have two options. We can either hope for the better or fall into the trap of hopelessness.

Hope perseveres. Hopelessness gives up.

Hope trusts. Hopelessness is skeptical. 

Hope leads to life. Hopelessness leads to death. 

I'm a pretty pessimistic person. I try to be very logical and realistic about the realities of life so it's pretty difficult for me to be positive when my seemingly unfair circumstances are constantly dancing in front of me. 


I have scoliosis and it looks like I'm not getting better. It's hard to hope when the realities of my x-rays tell me this is impossible to heal. 


I'm single and have been for my whole life. I feel like I'll never get married. It's better to sul about it than to hope I'll meet someone. 


I'm running in circles in regards to my career and I can't see anything practical in the near future. I'm at a tipping where maybe I should just settle for a safe job rather than go after my dreams. 


I like to protect myself from any disappointment. Isn't it better to prevent any further pain when you're already hurting? I like to think so. 

Yet, the message of hope seems to be telling me otherwise. I think of Jairus from the Bible. His daughter was dying and he comes to Jesus hoping that Jesus can do something. He was desperate. But while Jesus is on his way to see the girl, there's a roadblock. A woman, also desperate to be healed, touches Jesus and gets healed. Instead of continuing on with his journey, Jesus stops to communicate with this woman. If I were Jairus at this moment, I'd be so anxious and annoyed. I'd be so worried that with every passing minute my daughter would be closer to death. 


While this is all happening, someone from Jairus' house comes and says, "Your daughter is dead; do not trouble the Teacher any more." Voice of hopelessness. Voice of reality. What amazes me is how Jesus responds. On hearing this Jesus replies, "Don't be afraid; just believe and she will be healed." Voice of hope. 


What the? She's dead. She doesn't need healing! She's dead. That's it. It's game over. Jesus' words don't make sense. Jesus speaks hope against the voice of hopelessness. There's such a sharp contrast between these two voices. Jesus looks at the overwhelming odds and works against it. 


The enemy is constantly trying to overwhelm us with odds. What he's forgotten is that we are a people of living hope and truth. We don't live in reality and statistics, but we are fighting for hope. 


Listen and hear his gentle voice of hope. It's going to sound ridiculous. It won't make any sense. It might even make us angry. Hope wins against all odds. Always. Even when it seems like we're losing, his truth is always victorious. 


Who are you listening to? 

1 Peter 1:3  

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead

  

my life worth nothing || undone series

In the past few months I had this feeling in my stomach that God would do something in my life where I knew I'd have to become completely undone for him. I didn't know what that meant or how it would look like, but I knew it was coming. The word undone was being highlighted all throughout June and I'd have glimpses of what it meant, but was still seeking. Sometimes an image of an altar call, someone kneeling and sobbing and crying out, "I give it all to you God" appears. Other times I got nothing when I asked God and myself what it meant to be undone. 

I had so many different posts written out for this series, but I decided to scrap them all. I think I'm going through that painful and refining process of coming undone before the Lord. It isn't the first time and it definitely won't be the last. I wanted something, someone, but sometimes you just don't get what you want. I know that. I think I'm very familiar with the way this all goes. 

But exactly WHAT have I been putting my time and value into? Maybe I've lost sight of how good God really is. Maybe I've forgotten the most difficult yet most rewarding calling I have from my Lord. 

Last week at the Jesus Culture conference and Hillsong Manhattan church Banning Liebscher spoke about giving up my life for the cause of Christ, choosing him over anything this world offer me and being consumed by the ALL-consuming fire. I came into agreement with it all but also asked God, "why me?" Why can't I just be that Christian that goes to church on Sundays, does her devos and listens to worship music on her ipod? Why can't things just be normal, safe and simple? But no, God's plan for me is to take my life, mess around with it like play-doh. It's not fun but I know he's going to make it into something beautiful. But right now it doesn't feel like that. It feels messy, ugly, uncomfortable and not-so-fun. 

As much as I want to take control, plan and navigate through my life I can't. Everything has been pointing and leading up to this and it's time to really LET GO and just GO. Move forward and see what is in store for me and this world. There's far too much at stake for me to dwell in my own misery. Too much. I guess becoming undone before the Lord is completely letting go of your life and sometimes it's going to look and feel really messy and ugly. It's not fun. It's painful, but I am always reminded of the cross. 

Jesus came completely undone before his Father, it was messy and humiliating, but the result of it was and IS eternal and beautiful. My God is someone who redeems and it only happens when we become undone before Him. 

Acts 20:24 

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.

I lean not on my own understanding

My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven

I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

There's nothing I hold on to

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

Climb - Will Reagan

inside and out || undone series

I've been really blessed to get to know Natalie through her blog over the past few months. She's got golden nuggets stored up in her heart and mind and is always willing to share. She blogs over at Heart Stirrings and whether you're a guy or girl you need to keep up with her blog! I'm so thankful that she was willing to write something for my blog. I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me!
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Undone. For me, being undone is about being vulnerable, raw, blunt, to-the-point... transparent. I think we all struggle with being undone as Christians at times in our relationship with the Lord.

I used to pray cookie cutter prayers. Prayers that stayed in the lines of what I thought was "appropriate" to say to a Holy God, who I was taught deserved the utmost reverence. I followed the A.C.T.S. acronym (adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication). I worked hard to say all the right things, to use popular prayer lingo. But I didn't feel all that close to God. There's absolutely nothing wrong with using A.C.T.S., and God is Holy and deserves the utmost reverence, but I hadn't brought my affections with me. I was so focused on doing it the "right way" that I'd put aside what was really going on inside my heart. I wasn't undone before the Savior who loved me so much that he died on a cross for me, I was... plastic. And in doing so I'd sorta thought of God as being unapproachable and distant, therefore I didn't pray about what was really going on with me.

The crazy thing about this is that God knows us inside and out, fully and completely. He knows everything about us: "O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether" (Psalms 139:1-5). Why would we not talk about anything and everything that's going on in our lives and how we feel about it? Why would we not want to be undone in His presences, affections included? 


Over and over again we see the Psalmist being raw, gutsy, and honest before the Living God: I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart. O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes - it also has gone from me. -Psalms 38:8-10 ESV

I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief... -Psalm 6:6&7 NKJV

Do we pray like this? Because I don't know about you, but when I read verses like these, I don't hear a hint of indifference in them. They're genuine and honest. It's laying it all out there. And that's the kind of divine dialogue I desire in my relationship with Him. A sincere, raw, ongoing conversation through the heights and valleys of life, void of fear of saying the right things and watching my p's and q's. This is my encouragement: Be real in your prayers. Be undone in His presence. Don't be fake, and don't be plastic. It doesn't make sense since God sees right through it, so why waste time giving lip service rather than lifting up honest pleas, confessions, worship, and thanks? Bring all your affection and heart into your prayers regardless of what season you find yourself in. Be undone. Be transparent. If we desire to walk with the Lord deeply we mustn't shy away from conversing with Him deeply. My friend David put it perfectly:

"It is a chance for us to be vulnerable before God. Transparency is dangerous because it is very much out of our control, the other person sees everything and not in the neatly packaged way we would normally have it delivered. But prayer is not delivery to God - do not try to pray right, that’s trying to mold your heart with your mouth and that’s backwards. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks (Matt 12:34). When you pray, pray honestly (Matt6:5,6). God does not want to hear about what you should want or how you should feel, he’s God and his standards are higher for yourself than yours will ever be. He wants the dirty transparent truth because he cares about you right where you are right at this moment." -From God Cares About What You Care About (Emphasis Mine)

get naked || undone series

I announced a while ago that I'd be doing a small blog series on what it means to be undone. I have some guest blogs and a lot of my scattered thoughts somewhat organized into blog posts. I want to introduce you to my friend Melody. We met in Korea while attending the same church. She was one of my first friends and has an amazing ability to make you feel like you're the most important person in the world. She has a billion friends, but you never feel rejected or abandoned with her. My blog was inspired by her commitment to her blog. Here she is with her thoughts on what it means to be undone. Enjoy!

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“If you want to destroy my sweater…”

Catchy way to start a guest blog post, eh? (I feel as if a lot of my audience here on Hannah’s blog is going to be Canadian, so I wanted to fit in). Grand prize goes to the first person whom can comment and tell me the song title and artist that fits with that quote… okay, just kidding--- I will tell you. Later.

When Hannah asked me to contribute a blog post to her “Undone” series (uh…ahem, a month ago? oops… soweeee girl) I had an unusual feeling. Many days later I was able to label it: “Writer’s Block.” It was terrible.

I took the time to pray and seriously reflect on what it meant to “become undone” before God. The first thing that popped into my head? A Weezer song. I was utterly confused until I hummed the chorus of the song (okay, the only part of the song I really know) in my head… “If you want to destroy my sweater –whoa-o-o-o-a-a-ohhh- pull this thread as I walk away (as I walk away!) watch me unravel, I’ll soon be naked (lyin’ on the floor!) lyin’ on the floor, I’ve come undone.”

Getting to the part in my head about being naked caused me to pause. Being naked to me, means being vulnerable. In my mind I automatically connected that coming undone before God means being vulnerable. Even though God knows everything, he wants you to tell him everything. We (me and- you know- the rest of the Christian population who believes what I believe) call it a personal relationship, the one we can have with a father. The most successful relationships are the ones when you communicate, and tell each other everything--- even if you hang out all the time and you know what’s going on… see where I am going with this?

Weezer had it right, when you are naked, you come undone.

Being vulnerable before God is something I have had to work on for the past year… and it is still a struggle for me sometimes. But when I am able to come undone, to cry (to me that is the ultimate form of vulnerability in front of God, crying) and tell Him everything, my faith grows--- and my personal relationship grows.

So what am I trying to say?

Get naked.

worship || faith

Everyone has their opinion of worship is. Worship goes beyond the music that's played for about 30 minutes at church. We know that. But this part of worship is SO significant to me. Worshipping with music that speaks to the soul has played a crucial role in the growth of my intimate relationship with the Lord. 

Tomorrow is the 3 day Jesus Culture conference in NY. I'm super excited for this time of refreshing and renewal. I don't believe that anyone should depend on these kinds of conferences to be renewed, but there's also something special when you're with thousands of others worshipping the same god. I'm praying for a deeper encounter with the Lord and for my current status-quo-like faith to be shattered so that I can have faith to do and live the impossible. I want this time of worship to fashion my heart into a Deuteronomy 5:6 heart; a heart that loves freely.

What does worship mean to you? Does music play a significant role in your life and how you relate to God?

Deuteronomy 5:6

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might

farewell may

I know we still have a few days left of May, but with the weather becoming extremely lot and my life becoming more busy I find myself already saying goodbye to way May and anticipating June. May was such a beautiful month. I finally found my heart accepting that I'm not in Korea anymore. I adjusted to my new community and who I am here. I went through a lot of refining and renewing especially in my mind and in my heart.

I hope to have some time to revamp the blog layout and design. I'm leaving for California in 2 days where I'll be basking in the sun, catching up with old friends, visiting new places and eating a lot of good food. Maybe a break will help with the creative juices to start flowing.

With goodbyes there are always hellos. I want to introduce to you a series I'm HOPING to launch some time in June. I'll probably be asking some of my readers to help me out :) I hope you'll be up for it! The word undone has been coming up and I started to meditate on what it really means. I don't know if I've really come undone - unravel all of me and be completely void of who I am or who I try to be. Have I really let go of the old self and allowed a true transformation to take place in my life or am I still clinging on to bits of the old while trying to live under the new grace of Christ?

What does it mean to be undone in God's presence? I want to hear your stories!

new faith || faith

Now that it's really warm out I feel my days are going by a lot quicker. This makes me excited but also sad at the same time. God is really doing a new thing, not only in my life, but I sense in your life as well. Every person I'm connecting with lately has this excitement that's hovering over them and it's because God is doing a new thing. 

I'm learning that God has a lot of new grace that he wants to pour out on me, but it'll only come when I'm ready to leave my old ways behind. 

I've been saying goodbye to a lot of my old habits, old thinking, old ways and old everything!

The old me loved to think, "out of sight, out of mind" but the new me says, "love those that are difficult to love; embrace them even more"

The old me thought, "do what you want to do and whatever will benefit you" but the new me rebukes that and says, "obey those that God has placed over your life; grow in true sonship and submission"

The old me complained, "why aren't things happening now?" but the new me is waiting and trusting. 

I feel God is gently, but powerfully, pushing me and encouraging me to go deeper in my faith in Him. I've been stagnant for a while and thought I had it all figured out since I was listening to good sermons, reading the right books and deeply involved with the church. God's saying, "leave it all behind and follow me". 

I don't quite know what's ahead, but that's ok! What's the point of having faith if I won't do anything BY FAITH. Faith isn't waiting to see the end result or signs and then making a decision. You have to make the decision to do something FIRST and then God shows the signs. Asking for confirmation and signs is more unbelief than faith. I'm going to live this new life with a new faith. Goodbye old faith, hello new faith. 

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

what has authority over you? || faith

Last night I finished listening to a sermon that I had listened to way back in August. It was preached a week after I had come back from my mission trip to Bangladesh. I remember the sermon set me free in so many different ways but these kinds of sermons are also ones that you need to listen to every week. 

Pastor Erin ends the sermon with saying something that hit me like a bomb. What you allow your mind to believe is what you give authority to. More often than we like we give authority to our emotions, to our circumstances, to our body and everything else but the Word; the Word that is living and active, the Word that breathes live and the Word that sets us free. 

We tend to wait for our circumstances to get better, for our relationships to change, for our health to improve BEFORE we shift our minds to the Spirit. I entertain the thoughts of the flesh much more than the truth from above. 

I'm an escapist. If I don't like something I get away from it rather than stick it through. I'm known to giving up and being very nomadic. I can't stay in one place for more than 3 months so I'm already feeling antsy being here in Waterloo without anything fulfilling to do. 

Since things were getting boring and the excitement of being back home died off very quickly, reality hit me pretty hard. I wake up, babysit, eat, go home, sit on the computer, chat with a few friends and then sleep. Every so often I'll go for a walk, discover a new part of this city, chat with a friend over coffee, watch a movie or hangout at the park. I'm not saying my life is bad, but I guess all I could see was how uneventful it was. I was becoming really restless and wanted to run away and hide on some mountain.

After listening to this sermon and another one called All is Well I realized I had set my mind on the petty things. I could only see the bad in my life and felt pretty hopeless. My mind needed to shift to the things of heaven, to the joy set before me, to the love the is overflowing from my Father above and to the people God has blessed me with. 

What has authority over you? What is your mind set to? In order to experience the power of God in our lives we have to shift our minds first. 

Romans 8:5b

but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

fear of others || faith

This is an amazing post by Jesse Rice which was originally posted at Know Your Value

Dear Fear-Of-What-Others-Think,

I am sick of you and it’s time we broke up. I know we’ve broken up and gotten back together about a bazillion times, but seriously, Fear-Of-What-Others-Think (or FOWOT, for short), this is it. We’re breaking up.

Because I’m tired of over-thinking my status updates on Facebook, trying to sound more clever, funny, important. And I’m tired of wondering which Tweets might drive the most traffic to my blog, as though my value as a human being were truly numerical.

I’m tired of wondering which picture to post online so that my in-danger-of-over-expanding gut doesn’t hang out too much and cause others to think I’m a perfectly normal human being, God forbid. Or that I vacation not in Hawaii or Paris or rural Vietnam, but in central Oregon, if I can afford to go on vacation at all.

I’m sick of feeling anxious about what I say or do in public, especially around people I don’t know that well, all in the hope that they’ll like me, accept me, praise me. Those who already like me, accept me, and even praise me; those are the ones I’m constantly trying to keep happy. I run around all day feeling like a freaking Golden Retriever with a full bladder. Like me! Like me! Like me!

And I’m SO tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. Bad about how I look. Bad about my job. Bad about my net worth (which is currently quite RED in color). Bad about my 12-year-old car and my two-fashion-seasons-behind clothes. Bad about my prospects for wealth and fame and Nobel Prize-winning ideas. Bad about my community, or lack thereof.

Because of you, I go through my day with a cloud of shame hanging over my head, blocking the sun, keeping my throat sore and my nose consistently runny and my eyes all squinty like a newborn. And I HATE that.

Because when I’m afraid of what others think, I never stop acting. The spotlight’s always on and I’m center stage and I’d better keep dancing, posturing, mugging, or else the spotlight will move and I’ll dissolve into a little meaningless puddle on the ground, just like that witch in The Wizard of Oz. I can never live up to the expectations of my imaginary audience, the one that lives only in my head but whose collective voice is louder than any other voice in the universe.

And since I know I’m acting and since I know the spotlight’s always moving and since I know that in the bigger picture none of this matters a rat’s patootie, I’m never content to simply be myself.

And all of this is especially horrible, terrible, evil because if I really stop and think about it, and let things go quiet and listen patiently for the voice of the God who made me and delights in me, it turns out I’m actually—profoundly—precious, lovable, worthy, valuable, and even just a little ghetto-fabulous.

When I listen to that voice then your voice starts to sound ridiculous again. You turn back into the tiny, whining little wiener dog that you are.

So eat it, Fear-Of-What-Others-Think. You and I are done. And no, I’m not interested in “talking it through.” I’m running, jumping, laughing you out of my life, once and for all. Or at least, that’s what I really, really want, God help me.

{I'll add.. it's not even a fear of what others think but a fear of what others MIGHT think. Most of the time what I think they're thinking isn't true or even crossing their minds. It's all in my mind. This is the first step to getting over it. Recognize it. Abandon it. Break up with it!}

the lion king || faith

source; edited by me

Back in February my pastor in Korea spoke on the movie The Lion King. I just watched it Sunday night and wanted to revisit what I had written 2 months ago and share it with some of you guys. There's such great symbolism in this movie. 


In the sermon Pastor Christian goes through the story and relates it to the gospel, to the truth about redemption and the work of the cross, to our true identities as kings, and to the nasty pathetic attempt of Satan trying to be king. All Scar did was kill, steal and destroy by using manipulation and lies. Simba KNEW that he was supposed to be king, but once that was taken away from him he couldn't believe that he was the king.

He lived in shame and fear with his fellow fearful and outcasted friends. Timon and Pumba live their life without any cares and responsibilities. It's easier to live without any responsibilities than to deal with the past and the things that caused a lot of pain to us. Simon was born to be a king but was deceived into believing he wasn't supposed to be one because of the lies had believed for so long. He believed he was guilty of killing his father, he thought he was unworthy and he had forgotten who he was. Mufasa says, "You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of your life. Remember who you are" His father reminds Simba of who Simba REALLY is and Simba holds onto the truth of who he is and goes back to Pride Rock. 
The crazy Rafiki comes along and reminds Simba of who he really is. He says, "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it." The more we run away from our past the more we're stuck. We remain immature, childish and irresponsible. It's fun for a bit but it's not how we're meant to live. We're set free from our past when we face it and deal with it. Without knowing our identity we're always being controlled by lies. Lies that we're weak, we're guilty and we're useless. 
It's a battle to face the past. It's painful and, at times, really uncomfortable. It's easier to just say, "hakuna matata" and drown in the momentary fix-ups. This is unfortunate because we rob ourselves of walking out into our true destiny as royalty; as people with influence and power. As I've decided to face random bits from my past I've discovered that there's liberation in all of this. True and glorious freedom. In freedom you discover your passions, your gifts and your calling. 


This is such a great sermon! Listen to it here or watch it here.
I could watch this movie over and over again. After listening to the sermon and watching this movie I'm always reminded of my true identities as a royal daughter of Christ. The soundtrack is amazing, the colours in this movie are so vibrant and there's so many great messages in it. I say it's, hands down, the best Disney movie. 

Revelation 11:15

The seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said:

   “The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign for ever and ever.”

chocolate milk || faith

The other day I was babysitting, as I have been almost every day this past month, when the kids asked for some chocolate milk. I used chocolate milk powder and cold milk. The stuff I used is normally for hot chocolate so it was really powdery even after violently stirring it for 10 minutes.
One of the boys kept saying, "Give it to me. Give it to me now!" even though I told him it wasn't ready. It took some time to mix it really well but the boy really wanted his chocolate milk. As he kept up with his demands I thought, "oh my goodness, do you really want to drink powdery milk that'll probably taste gross, make you cough a lot and be disappointed with chocolate milk forever?" I explained to him that if I gave it to him now it would be yucky so he had to wait. He sulked but complied and waited as I mixed. Finally I finished and he happily drank his non-powdery chocolate milk. 
While resisting the urge to be annoyed it dawned on me that I'm like this boy. 
I'm exactly like the 4-year old that didn't understand why he couldn't get his chocolate milk right away.
When I don't get what I want right away I get upset with God. I impatiently think, "I want it now! You told me you were going to give it to me so give it to me now!" I'm familiar with the concept of waiting as it seems to be the thing to talk, write and preach about. I know it's a discipline that's necessary for my own benefit in regards to the health of my spirit, soul, mind and heart. But you still can't help but think, "I want what you promised me RIGHT NOW" or you think you've waited long enough so you get restless and decide it's time to be given the promise. 
But do you really want half of the promise? Out of His great love for me He tells me to wait. It isn't about waiting but rather about his LOVE. If I wanted that boy to be quiet I would have given him really nasty powdery chocolate milk and gone on with my day. For his benefit I had him wait. Even though he was demanding, whining and getting worked up I asked him to wait because I knew what was the best for him. 
I know it isn't a new revelation to discover that my Father in heaven wants to give me the best, but it just didn't register with me until this chocolate milk incident. Whenever I meet a really awesome guy I think, "This is it. He's just what I wanted so God pleeeaaaaasseee let this work. You know me so I know you'll make this work for me." So far this hasn't been successful and I wonder what's taking God so long. But God doesn't want to give me second best or someone that isn't fully prepared and ready. 
We don't want to settle for gross powdery tasteless chocolate milk; the love of the Father is working on giving you the best. Wait for it because that's when you get the best and most tasteful and rich chocolate milk.

John 10:7b

 I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.