In the past few months I had this feeling in my stomach that God would do something in my life where I knew I'd have to become completely undone for him. I didn't know what that meant or how it would look like, but I knew it was coming. The word undone was being highlighted all throughout June and I'd have glimpses of what it meant, but was still seeking. Sometimes an image of an altar call, someone kneeling and sobbing and crying out, "I give it all to you God" appears. Other times I got nothing when I asked God and myself what it meant to be undone.
I had so many different posts written out for this series, but I decided to scrap them all. I think I'm going through that painful and refining process of coming undone before the Lord. It isn't the first time and it definitely won't be the last. I wanted something, someone, but sometimes you just don't get what you want. I know that. I think I'm very familiar with the way this all goes.
But exactly WHAT have I been putting my time and value into? Maybe I've lost sight of how good God really is. Maybe I've forgotten the most difficult yet most rewarding calling I have from my Lord.
Last week at the Jesus Culture conference and Hillsong Manhattan church Banning Liebscher spoke about giving up my life for the cause of Christ, choosing him over anything this world offer me and being consumed by the ALL-consuming fire. I came into agreement with it all but also asked God, "why me?" Why can't I just be that Christian that goes to church on Sundays, does her devos and listens to worship music on her ipod? Why can't things just be normal, safe and simple? But no, God's plan for me is to take my life, mess around with it like play-doh. It's not fun but I know he's going to make it into something beautiful. But right now it doesn't feel like that. It feels messy, ugly, uncomfortable and not-so-fun.
As much as I want to take control, plan and navigate through my life I can't. Everything has been pointing and leading up to this and it's time to really LET GO and just GO. Move forward and see what is in store for me and this world. There's far too much at stake for me to dwell in my own misery. Too much. I guess becoming undone before the Lord is completely letting go of your life and sometimes it's going to look and feel really messy and ugly. It's not fun. It's painful, but I am always reminded of the cross.
Jesus came completely undone before his Father, it was messy and humiliating, but the result of it was and IS eternal and beautiful. My God is someone who redeems and it only happens when we become undone before Him.
Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.
I lean not on my own understanding
My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven
I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
There's nothing I hold on to
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
Climb - Will Reagan
this is good hannah. i think God has us in similar seasons. sometimes i have such a deep, deep angst for safe and predictable simplicity. and Jesus so sweetly and faithfully refuses to surrender the idols i beg Him for.
ReplyDeletein speaking of images, i often think of LOTR. because it's such a great parallel of what life with God is like. three of the most striking scenes to me are the very beginning glimpses of the shire, frodo and sam on the edge of the mountains on the way to morador. and then the very end while they are waiting to sail away to where there is no more.
there is the blissful yet dangerous distraction of living for comfort rather than God, the throws of war, and the peace that's worth it.
sorry to hijack your blog post, but i just love coming hear and reading your perspective of something similar to what God is doing with me.
love you girlie!! stay encouraged :]
love you hannah <3
ReplyDeletei have a lot of respect for you because you aren't afraid to be uncomfortable.
I'm crying here Hannah. This is me so at times, discontent with the calling the Lord placed over my life. It's so lonely, hard and not-so fun. One is ridiculed and left behind. Being accepted in a church community is hard when this "calling" is not hold to a higher standard.
ReplyDeleteJust yesterday I was reading Corrie ten Boom's Hiding place and found this:
"Every experience God gives us, every person he puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see."
I am undone and cannot settle for less than surrender. My mind knows this but my heart takes longer to align with this desire. I felt convicted and like I "sinned" for feeling this way.
Just thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Because for once, I don't feel alone; I feel understood; I feel human.
"There's far too much at stake for me to dwell in my own misery. Too much. I guess becoming undone before the Lord is completely letting go of your life and sometimes it's going to look and feel really messy and ugly. It's not fun. It's painful, but I am always reminded of the cross. "
DeleteBeautiful Hannah! I know you feel like play-dough right now, but I trust God is beautifying you and your life =)
ReplyDeletei feel like i'm in a similar season as you. i read john 14 today and it was really encouraging. you should take a look too :)
ReplyDeleteThis is simply me as well. I don't want to let go, I want God to give me all the answers to my questions. Because I am afraid. I have to let go of my fear. God will take care of me. He will also take care of you. This post helped me realize this. Thank you.:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. Definitely a good reminder to give it all up to God in surrender. But that's so hard. That's what I wrestle with the most.
ReplyDeleteI'm following you now; just found your blog!
xoxo
Ahhh amen amen amen!!! You know this is about to be the best. thing. ever! Can't wait to see who and how you will become through His grace and purposes!!!
ReplyDelete