chocolate milk || faith

The other day I was babysitting, as I have been almost every day this past month, when the kids asked for some chocolate milk. I used chocolate milk powder and cold milk. The stuff I used is normally for hot chocolate so it was really powdery even after violently stirring it for 10 minutes.
One of the boys kept saying, "Give it to me. Give it to me now!" even though I told him it wasn't ready. It took some time to mix it really well but the boy really wanted his chocolate milk. As he kept up with his demands I thought, "oh my goodness, do you really want to drink powdery milk that'll probably taste gross, make you cough a lot and be disappointed with chocolate milk forever?" I explained to him that if I gave it to him now it would be yucky so he had to wait. He sulked but complied and waited as I mixed. Finally I finished and he happily drank his non-powdery chocolate milk. 
While resisting the urge to be annoyed it dawned on me that I'm like this boy. 
I'm exactly like the 4-year old that didn't understand why he couldn't get his chocolate milk right away.
When I don't get what I want right away I get upset with God. I impatiently think, "I want it now! You told me you were going to give it to me so give it to me now!" I'm familiar with the concept of waiting as it seems to be the thing to talk, write and preach about. I know it's a discipline that's necessary for my own benefit in regards to the health of my spirit, soul, mind and heart. But you still can't help but think, "I want what you promised me RIGHT NOW" or you think you've waited long enough so you get restless and decide it's time to be given the promise. 
But do you really want half of the promise? Out of His great love for me He tells me to wait. It isn't about waiting but rather about his LOVE. If I wanted that boy to be quiet I would have given him really nasty powdery chocolate milk and gone on with my day. For his benefit I had him wait. Even though he was demanding, whining and getting worked up I asked him to wait because I knew what was the best for him. 
I know it isn't a new revelation to discover that my Father in heaven wants to give me the best, but it just didn't register with me until this chocolate milk incident. Whenever I meet a really awesome guy I think, "This is it. He's just what I wanted so God pleeeaaaaasseee let this work. You know me so I know you'll make this work for me." So far this hasn't been successful and I wonder what's taking God so long. But God doesn't want to give me second best or someone that isn't fully prepared and ready. 
We don't want to settle for gross powdery tasteless chocolate milk; the love of the Father is working on giving you the best. Wait for it because that's when you get the best and most tasteful and rich chocolate milk.

John 10:7b

 I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

life is boring... || life lessons

... and that's ok.

I went through a lot of old e-mails from 2005-2009. I was able to delete about 300 e-mails and still have about 1,950 left! 

I'd open up an email, wonder what that person is doing, look them up on facebook or google. 

It's really weird to think we were once friends. You were a part of my life. I was a part of yours. We enjoyed, for the most part, each other's presence and now you're gone; living your own life and I'm living my own. I think a lot about my past, maybe more than I should.

Often times I have to motivate myself with quotes like "live in the now" or "be happy for this moment. this moment is your life" because I don't like the present. I have a hard time embracing the present and would rather be off in my own dream world OR reliving the past. I'm a nostalgic day dreamer. I like to travel from my past to the future without ever being fully present. 

In this world, those that are inspiring and motivating leave a mark. Nobody likes a debbie downer. So we all try very hard to be excited to live. I think I'm admitting that I live a very mundane life. Through facebook, pinterest, tumblr, twitter and whatever other social networking sites that are out there we try to portray our everyday living as very exciting when it really isn't. I choose what I show on my facebook and want everyone to know that I'm living a grandiose life. Don't get me wrong. I love life. I am very glad to be alive and love where I am today. But there are days that I don't like the present. And I think it's ok to admit this. I think I've been trying so hard to prove to the rest of the world that I'm living a glorious life based on what I do and that all depends on how I show it. 

Life is such a paradox. When everything is boring and uneventful life is still beautiful. We can't force our lives to be magical and exciting all the time. There are days when you just sit at home, read a book, drink tea, look at your computer screen for hours and then go to sleep. That's it. And that's ok. I don't have to try to play up my life and pretend that it's full of adventures. Sometimes it's not. And it's still beautiful. 

Life is boring and that's ok!

Growing Up || life lessons

{76/366 - little hands}

I've been babysitting for the past two weeks. This is Isaiah. He's very pensive. He'll stand at the window and look out without saying a word. 

I guess you could say that I'm a pensive person as well. I've been reflecting a lot what it means to grow up. I've resisted growing up for a long time. I diagnosed myself with the Peter Pan syndrome. I thought if I grow up I would lose myself. I never wanted to wear suit pants or heels or take out a loan or get a real job. I thought I wouldn't be able to do the things I love. I was afraid of growing up.  I thought growing up meant compromising my personality and what I love to do. 

You don't lose yourself when you grow up. Instead you discover MORE of who you are and can grow even more confident. 

I also discovered that in order for me to really mature and experience life at its fullest I need to become like a child again. I need to trust like a child, love like a child and expect a lot like a child. Life is full of silly paradoxes and this is one of them. 

the love of a boy || life lessons

When I was in my final year of university I used to babysit after one boy every week. We'd play the Wii, play with his cars, go outside, play soccer and basketball. Andrew was a pretty stubborn and feisty boy, but eventually he warmed up to me. While I was away in Korea I received an e-mail from his mom with a recent picture of me and told me that he asked where I was. It surprised me to know that he still remembered me even though so much time had gone by. 

I went by his house yesterday to say hello and play with him. Children can sometimes be really unpredictable. I wasn't sure if he'd be shy, uncomfortable or friendly with me. As soon as I pulled up to their house I saw that he had run out without his shoes on and waited for me on the sidewalk. He stood there, waved and then gave me a really big hug. Later his mom told me that after dinner he was waiting by the window for me to arrive. With excitement he grabbed his baseball mitt, ball and bicycle so that we could play at the park.  

He didn't have any reservations when it came to loving me. Even though I hadn't seen him for a long time, he still loved me. His child-like love for me is something we all need. The love of this boy was so precious and real.

The older we get the more difficult it is for us to freely love others; to love others with a youthful excitement and without any fear. I don't like the idea of being vulnerable when I love others. I'd rather still protect myself by keeping up certain walls. Somewhere along the years I've lost my child-like faith and am always suspicious of people around me. 

I want to love like Andrew did. I want to be excited to see people and embrace those around me without any barrier. 

And I can't wait to meet a guy who'll run out to me without their shoes on, patiently wait for me and play catch in park with me.

Matthew 18:4

Therefore, whoever humbles himself like a child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

stop. relax. be bored. || life lessons

It's been about a week and a half since I've been home. In Seoul I was working every day, then on the weekend I'd either have a photo club meeting, be at church meeting or go on some random adventure. Arriving in Waterloo I was confronted with the sobering reality of unemployment. While working in Korea I was so excited for a break and now that I got it I didn't like it. I felt useless and often wondered what I was doing back in Canada where instead I could have been working and hanging out with my friends. 

I had to remind myself to relax. I had to be ok with boredom. Being in limbo is new and scary, but I had to come to terms with it. I put so much of my value and worth in everything I did that as soon as it was all gone I didn't know what to do with myself. When we're so busy we want to relax and when we have a lot of down time we wish for an adventure. Our hearts are never satisfied with where we are. I can fully attest to this. I have wander lust, I'm always restless and even when I get what I want I'm still never satisfied. 

These times of rest are so rare so I need to appreciate it. It's ok to be bored. During these times I can spend sweet, intimate times with the Lord, catch up with old friends, draw & paint, read what I want, and rest. 

In your week don't forget to stop. relax and be bored. 

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God.

Weekend Visit || life lessons

cute welcome sign

delicious salad for lunch

the study room

sarah's daughter anya

cute michelle

:)

This past Saturday I went to visit a very good friend of mine, Michelle. We met at camp in 2003 and she is one of the few friends from that camp that I still keep in touch with. You know when time goes by and you haven't seen someone for a long time it can be really awkward so you don't try? Not with this girl. Every time I come back from being away for so long she always makes the effort to organize a get together. We bonded throughout the years because of our similar taste in music, crafts and social justice. But it goes beyond that. We were able to just pick up off where we left off and continue with our friendship even though we had barely kept in touch throughout the year. 

She's now married and lives with another married couple, whom I also happen to know and worked with. Being single sometimes it can be really difficult to be around people who are in different stages of life, but it wasn't so with these two couples. Even one of the couples had a baby but for some reason I felt so comfortable around these families. 

I could see the freedom and joy that they lived in. They love the Lord, they love the people they are with and they love the community they have been placed in.