a beautiful mess || faith

I originally had a long, rant-like post queued up to post but couldn't, for one reason or another, press 'publish'. I feel like I'm facing all these broken little pieces in me and it's finally time to pick them up and do something about them. It's nearly impossible to put them all together to make what was. Instead I hold on to 2 Corinthians 5:7 'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old is gone, the new is here!'

“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, "A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God."

The gospel of grace nullifies our adulation of televangelists, charismatic superstars, and local church heroes. It obliterates the two-class citizenship theory operative in many American churches. For grace proclaims the awesome truth that all is gift. All that is good is ours not by right but by the sheer bounty of a gracious God. While there is much we may have earned--our degree and our salary, our home and garden, a Miller Lite and a good night's sleep--all this is possible only because we have been given so much: life itself, eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love. We have been given God in our souls and Christ in our flesh. We have the power to believe where others deny, to hope where others despair, to love where others hurt. This and so much more is sheer gift; it is not reward for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer. Even our fidelity is a gift, "If we but turn to God," said St. Augustine, "that itself is a gift of God." 

My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.” 

- Brennan Manning 'Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out'

a collection of thoughts || life

I haven't been able to put aside the time and energy to write in this blog. But I was reminded by a good friend of mine that there are the few faithful people out there reading this to keep up to date with what's going on with my life. 

It's been almost a month since I've been out of school. It's still amazes me that I completed my first year at Loyalist College. I remember the first day I moved to Belleville and how I didn't want to come back for a second year. I was so unsure about the program because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I told myself that if I didn't get a summer job at a newspaper I wouldn't go back for second year. Sometimes I can be really intense and extreme with my decision making, but it pushed me to work really hard and go for what I want. 

This summer I'm working as a photographer for a few small newspapers.  I'm going to get a taste of what it's like to be a photojournalist for local news. I don't know if this is what I want to do but I know this opportunity is going to help me grow as a photographer and as a person. It seems like this summer I'll be learning and doing a lot of new things. It's been really good so far. I have a great mentor and I can tell the people I'm with are going to be good workers to be around. It'd be easy to kind of underestimate and look down on what I'm doing since it is community news, but you gotta start somewhere. Be faithful and diligent in the small tasks then when the big opportunities come you'll be ready.

Other than the job I feel like my life has been under construction. I don't know if it's because I like to analyze and give meaning to every little thing I do but I've been discovering a lot about myself and the life I live. I have a collection of thoughts and observations that I'm still processing through. 

Validation. I need it. I want it. I want it from everyone and anyone. I mean, validation in general is important. If people don't validate my presence then I tend to feel invisible. I want to be affirmed in the things I do. As much as I tend to think "I don't care what people think" I do. I can't help it because I live with other people. When you're tightly knit with people you can't help but wonder what they think of you. You don't want to disappoint or let others down. 

It's draining to live for so many different people. Someone will be ok with what you do but another will be disappointed. How much authority do you give to the people around you? How much influence do their words and thoughts have on your life? I'm starting to see that I can't allow just anyone to have influence over me. If I want to validate my actions I'll look up things on the internet, ask a billion people what their opinion is and see what others would do if they were in my situation.

Yesterday on my day off I listened to one of my best friends, Gina, give a really talk on living for an audience of one. It helped me to be at peace with where I am in my life. I can't make everybody happy. I just want people to understand me and know me, but it seems almost near impossible. People are complex. There's almost 27 years to me one must know to fully understand me. 

I need to be patient with others and I have to ask for you to take your time with me. People need time. We can't rush through friendships. We have the time -- you just gotta find it. There's so much power and beauty in listening without an agenda. 

I thought by this age and stage in my life I'd have everything figured out. I wanted to meet certain deadlines by life accomplishments. I don't know why I thought I'd be a failure if I didn't get married and have kids before age 30. I'm not sure where these pressures come from but I've gotten rid of them. This is obvious, but because we're unique and different we're not going to live the same as someone else. I can't try to imitate someone else's life. Facebook, instagram and blogs are only a tiny peek into what's really going on in our lives. Don't let what others do affect you. I let it get to me easily and forget to live my own life. Do we know what it means to truly be present and live our own lives? I'm in the process of figuring it out. 

growing up is overrated || life

I miss my students in Korea. I miss being around a lot of kids. What I miss the most is that being around them brought out the kid in me. 

This is a letter to the young Hannah Love Yoon.

I want to know what happened to you. Where have you gone? You were a fearless and bold girl. You weren't afraid to try new things. You were so active and loud. You were a natural leader. You were kind to your friends. When you were 3 or 4 you'd jump from the top of the stairs or tables knowing someone would be there for you. You knew you were loved. You knew people were protecting you. Don't ever forget that. As you grow older you'll meet some mean people but you'll also meet a lot of good people. I want you to know you'll never be a loner. Never. You'll always have friends in each school year. People will like you. People will want to be with you. 

Growing up is overrated. There are too many angry, bitter and jaded grown ups out there. Adults don't know anything more than you do. I think grown-ups are more confused than they like to admit. Their hearts and minds are cluttered with lies, wounds and bitterness. 

We're all trying to figure out what we're doing or what we're supposed to be doing. We act like we know everything. Don't let us fool you. I don't think we know much. We fight one another. We don't know how to love each other. We compete with one another. We burn bridges, we manipulate and control... but it's because we're all broken and hurting. We haven't quite figured out how to move on, heal and be whole. Most of us are hiding. Whether it's behind our jobs, social status, what we own... we're hiding. It's a bit painful for people to see how broken we are.

Do you remember the first week at your new school? You were bullied but on that same day you made new friends. You thought you were going to be alone but people found you and loved you. You're going to try to use that event to keep people away. You're going to try to build up walls to protect yourself. But you should know if you do that you'll miss out on meeting the most amazing people who will want to be in your life.

You'll be just fine. You'll make it through middle school. Boys are insecure and don't know anything so when they're mean to you don't take it personally. High school is going to feel like hell sometimes. But it's over in 4 years. Popularity is overrated. Also no one is going to remember what you wore on that Monday in June to homeroom science class so don't stress about it.

Even though you'll be tempted to settle for second best in life, don't. You'll get into university, travel, work and live in Korea and discover what you're meant to be doing. So much is waiting for you. Stop hiding. Let your heart be forever young -- young, but not immature. You might think you're insignificant and worthless, but this isn't true. You'll see how much you're loved by all the people who will invest into you through their commitment to you. Your youthfulness is powerful. Too many children are disappearing because they're told to grow up. 

Don't try to grow up too fast. Growing up doesn't mean you have to cease to exist. Don't abandon who you are just because someone told you to grow up. Those who tell you to grow up have forgotten how good it is to be young.

I'm only 26 right now. I don't have life figured out. I think I understand what it means to have child-like faith. I wonder a lot about love, about God and about life. Rather than doing this alone, maybe you could help me out. Keep me grounded. With you there'll be joy, freedom, love and hope. I could use some of your confidence and grit. See you soon. 

caring too much || life

It seems that wherever I go, no matter what season I'm in, I get myself involved with intense people and intense relationships. I don't think I was ever meant to be shallow. I wrote about how I was pretty disengaged in February. But the month of March I think it was the opposite. As I continued to put myself out there, go out, be comfortable with who I am, I found myself connecting people I didn't think I would connect with.

It takes time. It takes time to care, to be vulnerable and to be comfortable around new people. Honestly when I first came to Belleville I wasn't sure how this was going to work. I wasn't sure how I'd connect and who I'd become friends with. It's always a scary place to be when you're starting something new. Anybody remember the first day of middle school or high school? What a terrifying day. I had that same feeling when I moved to Korea in 2011 and became involved with a new church.

You feel completely naked. When you realize you're naked you do what you gotta do to make sure you're covered. You put up a front. You aren't yourself. You don't want anyone to see your weaknesses. You want to love and care for others, but not too much. Caring too much is a risk. You can get hurt. You can be rejected.

We tend to perceive things the wrong way only because of what we've experienced in the past. We're constantly reacting to our past -- making decisions and choices in reaction to our past. We make judgements and assumptions about other people based on our own grid in life.

All the second years have left the school. They're off on their internships and doing all kinds of amazing, new and different things. Not sure why but I started to spend more time with them this past semester. I knew they'd be leaving early, but I think it came way too fast. It was only in the past month that I started to really enjoy their company and their presence. All of us first years are feeling their absence. We miss them. I miss them.

I've gone through a lot of goodbyes and see ya laters and it never gets easy. What is amazing about all this is I know I've got good people in my life all across Canada. When I left Korea I knew I'd keep in touch and stay connected. It's been over a year since I left and I feel even closer to my friends in Korea because we made decisions to stay in touch.

Maybe I come off clingy or too strong in the way I care and love people. Who knows. There is something special about deeply caring for people without any pressure or demands. It's rare when you have those kinds of connections.

I don't think you can ever care too much about people. We should worry more about caring too little about people.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” - Francis Chan