good friend || life

Life has gotten extremely busy. I get tired easily with work, commuting and keeping up with family and friends. I have two more months of this and then it's off to school again. 

I want to share this with you. I've been thinking a lot about friends, friendships and how it all works. I'm still figuring it all out. Learning to be a good friend and wanting to be a good friend has always and will always be a priority for me. 

In grade 8 we had a huge assignment called the "HOW TO" project. We had to teach the class how to do something. People had things like "how to make the perfect cookie" or "how to write a good story" or "how to draw". I decided to do "How to be a good friend" I should go find that and see what my 13-year old self suggested in being a good friend because I can't seem to really figure it out. 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

“A friend is more than a therapist or confessor, even though a friend can sometimes heal us and offer us God's forgiveness. A friend is that other person with whom we can share our solitude, our silence, and our prayer. A friend is that other person with whom we can look at a tree and say, "Isn't that beautiful," or sit on the beach and silently watch the sun disappear under the horizon. With a friend we don't have to say or do something special. With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us.” 
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

caring too much || life

It seems that wherever I go, no matter what season I'm in, I get myself involved with intense people and intense relationships. I don't think I was ever meant to be shallow. I wrote about how I was pretty disengaged in February. But the month of March I think it was the opposite. As I continued to put myself out there, go out, be comfortable with who I am, I found myself connecting people I didn't think I would connect with.

It takes time. It takes time to care, to be vulnerable and to be comfortable around new people. Honestly when I first came to Belleville I wasn't sure how this was going to work. I wasn't sure how I'd connect and who I'd become friends with. It's always a scary place to be when you're starting something new. Anybody remember the first day of middle school or high school? What a terrifying day. I had that same feeling when I moved to Korea in 2011 and became involved with a new church.

You feel completely naked. When you realize you're naked you do what you gotta do to make sure you're covered. You put up a front. You aren't yourself. You don't want anyone to see your weaknesses. You want to love and care for others, but not too much. Caring too much is a risk. You can get hurt. You can be rejected.

We tend to perceive things the wrong way only because of what we've experienced in the past. We're constantly reacting to our past -- making decisions and choices in reaction to our past. We make judgements and assumptions about other people based on our own grid in life.

All the second years have left the school. They're off on their internships and doing all kinds of amazing, new and different things. Not sure why but I started to spend more time with them this past semester. I knew they'd be leaving early, but I think it came way too fast. It was only in the past month that I started to really enjoy their company and their presence. All of us first years are feeling their absence. We miss them. I miss them.

I've gone through a lot of goodbyes and see ya laters and it never gets easy. What is amazing about all this is I know I've got good people in my life all across Canada. When I left Korea I knew I'd keep in touch and stay connected. It's been over a year since I left and I feel even closer to my friends in Korea because we made decisions to stay in touch.

Maybe I come off clingy or too strong in the way I care and love people. Who knows. There is something special about deeply caring for people without any pressure or demands. It's rare when you have those kinds of connections.

I don't think you can ever care too much about people. We should worry more about caring too little about people.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” - Francis Chan

people are worth it || life

A few days ago I posted a funny image on my facebook on a guide to understanding introverts. It got me thinking about the way I, as an introvert, interact with others. 

I may be introverted but I'm not quiet. Actually, I can be obnoxiously loud especially while telling a story or explaining something really exciting. I also talk a lot. Sometimes too much, especially if I've been in environments where I don't get to talk too much.

I'm also not shy. I can talk to strangers, I enjoy meeting new people and making new friends. 

Though there are times I need my downtime to recharge, I value quality time with people. My love language is quality time - I feel the most loved when I spend good quality time with my family and friends. Even if I've just met you but our time was well spent, I know I've made a good friend. 

It's funny because even though my love language is quality time, and I value the quality time I do have with people, but because I need to be alone to recharge it takes so much out of me to get out there. I'm terribly bad at keeping appointments. If I'm supposed to meet you at 10am and I get up at 8:30am, I'll probably ask if we can meet at 10:30am so that I have enough time to sit around, 'charge' and then go out. I used to wake up at 6:30am to get to work for 8:30am even though my kids didn't come in until 9:30am. I needed that extra hour to sit around and do nothing before I interacted with them. Terrible habit and I'm thankful for the people that have been so gracious about it. 

There are times that I use my personality as a reason to not be with people. If we're completely honest with ourselves it's daunting to be invested in others. It's draining, and at times, even burdensome. If I just want to avoid getting close with people, or if I'm exhausted, I always say, "I just need my alone time" so they know they're not the problem, but it's just the way I am. We've been conditioned to not talk about our feelings, so when someone does its tough to listen to. We don't validate's people's feelings as much as we should and that's could be why it's tiring listening to others. 

But people should be worth sacrificing your comfort for - at least for an hour or two. This past week I learned of really devastating news regarding a very close friend of mine. Though I'm someone who thinks a lot, I avoid thinking of death and emotionally-charged things. I don't know how to think about those things. But this week I've been pushed to think of things I've avoided for a long time.  

Time is precious, people can be with you one moment and gone the next, and that the people in your life should always be worth your time. Your time and your presence is a gift no one can ever give. 

I'm an introvert, but it doesn't mean I don't like being with people. Give me a little nudge and reminder to get my hamster ball rolling. 

friendships || life

I'm going to try to make this as raw and unedited as I can. There are times for planned, edited, clean-cut pieces of writing and then there are times you just have to let it all go.

I'm 25 going on 26. I'm a quarter of a century years old. I still can't believe it. Through the past 25 years I've met hundreds of people with a handful remaining in my life. There are a few I can call my best friends. We're so close we're like family. Despite having such amazing friendships I still find myself so uncertain about how to be a friend and what it means to be a friend. In the past few days I'm discovery how much I've failed, how much I lack and how little I know in regards to friendships. BUT with that, I'm also discovering that I can redeem it all.

When I was in 8th grade we had one big final project in English where we had to make "HOW-TO" projects. We had to teach the class how to do something whether it was baking cookies, writing an essay, sewing clothes or whatever. I, being the odd one, decided to do my how-to project on how to be a good friend. It's been something I've always wanted to be good at and 'master', if that's possible. We're taught many things in life, but we're never really taught how to be good friends with those of the same gender, those of the opposite gender and those we want to eventually date/marry. We just did it. While doing friendship we're learning. 

I was bullied in 5th grade and from that moment I believed a lot of lies. I believed that I was disposable, replaceable, a nobody, unimportant, insignificant and a loser. It was with this mindset that I would enter into friendships. Any friendship that happened after 5th grade, I did with a sense of fear and precaution. Out of my fear I clung on to my friends and could not grasp the concept of two people drifting apart. 

15 years later and I find myself in friendships with that same mentality. Whether we've been friends for a few months or 20+ years I've allowed those lies to influence the way I related to you. 

Recently I've had close friends and God himself strip away these lies for me. I'm in awe that I'm 25 and I'm still figuring out what it means to be friends with someone. 

I'm learning....

- when a friend is having a tough time and they say "I'm fine" you don't give up but relentlessly ask and love them. this is not the time to think, "but she might get mad at me for bothering her". That's still YOU thinking about YOU. you pursue them even if they reject you

- when you make a commitment in a friendship, you work hard at it. it isn't based on location, how you feel, what you do or how much you talk at that moment. you fight for it. 

- I need to be raw and vulnerable without any fear of rejection or abandonment because a true friend sticks around when you're at your worst

- I am not what I was in the past and neither are my friends

- it is so important to be yourself. 

- if you're upset with someone, let them know, if you love someone, let them know, if you appreciate someone, let them know. 

- communication is so important! talk things through rather than make assumptions or live out of false realities that you created in your head

- even if you find yourself going on different paths, keep loving them. love perseveres

- to understand why people react and respond the way they do so I don't take things so personally

A few weeks ago a friend did something that hurt me. I took it personally and, being the extreme person that I am, I questioned our friendship. I thought, "if we're as close as we say we are he wouldn't have done that".  So I was upset and annoyed with this person, slept on that, woke up annoyed with this person and couldn't enjoy my time with them even though we had a fun day planned. Well, not only was he oblivious to my anger I was the only one affected by my anger. We ended up talking about it and turns out he thought that because we're so close he could do what he did knowing that it wouldn't affect our friendship. Funny. We processed the event in complete opposite terms that we were so clueless to what the other person was feeling or thinking. 

I don't have it all figured out. Only because of the amazing friends that God has placed in my life am I able to be a good friend. I'm in the process of figuring it out. 

It's scary being so vulnerable with your friends. You have to strip down, become undone and be unashamed of who you are. There are many times I want to cut and run so others don't see my failures and weaknesses. I want to protect myself and be friends at a safe distance. It doesn't work. That leads to isolation. You end up sitting in a pool of lies and a broken mindset. Friends are amazing for healing and restoring our true identities. 

Proverbs 27:5-6 

An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

my first time || my life

Ask me what I did this weekend! I've got a lot to share with you.

On Friday my sister, my friend Albert and I photographed Albert's sister's wedding. It was intense and my first time EVER doing a wedding. A lot of people on the internet say that if you've NEVER done it, don't do it without being a second photographer. Well, we're rebels and ignored professional advice and went ahead and OWNED it. Above is a sneak preview of what we shot, but we'll have more up later. I was nervous but once the day got really busy I just got into my photographer zone and did what I could. The bride, Sarah, was incredibly chill and knew how to affirm us as we went about doing our job. She wasn't demanding AT ALL and would squeal with excitement when we showed her sneak previews. Having a really laid back and stress-free bride helps. Plus working with my sister and best friend made it a lot more fun and relaxed. We prayed and encouraged each other throughout the day which helped when things didn't seem to go right. This may not be the last wedding I shoot, but who knows when the three of us will ever do it again. Unless people really like our photos and there's some sick demand for us.... ;)

Saturday, we woke up early and drove a few hours south of Toledo toward Dayton and decided it'd be fun if we spent our Saturday jumping out of a plane. Skydiving is more like falling out of a plane, but still amazing. I can't describe to you how cool skydiving was. I was pretty nervous and out of it before, but as I started to get my harness on excitement started to build up. It's crazy. The most terrifying thing for me was seeing my friend Adam suddenly disappear from the plane. It all happened so fast. First he was sitting in front of me, then suddenly he's moving forward and then the next second he's out the door. It's wild. Then I had to move up and there I was sitting on the edge of the plane with my feet dangling while I was almost 10,000 ft high. My instructor counted down, "3,2,1" and I naturally just fell forward out of the plane. 30 seconds of free falling was unbelievable. I kept screaming, "Oh my God... no way... no way!" My favorite part was after I pulled the parachute and floated down in complete silence. There's nothing like being up in the sky 5,000 ft without any white noise. Pure silence. I loved it. 

This was an amazing weekend of doing things for the very first time... definitely won't be the last! More pictures to come.

to california and back || travel

Wow, it's been over 2 weeks since my Cali trip. A lot has happened since then so here are some pictures now. It was such a hectic and chaotic trip but also really awesome. It was a good trip of catching up with old friends, meeting new friends, visiting old places and seeing new sights, eating a lot of Mexican food.. more than we really should have (carne asada fries TWICE in San Diego >.<)

Thank you Esteban, Liz, Mark, Sam, Joe, Jake, Paul and Estefania for making this trip awesome. 

sunny sunday || my life

You'd think that working less would mean I'd be more free. Unfortunately I've been getting busier and busier. This past weekend was mainly spent with these people. Saturday I went swimming with some friends, bought some new shoes, cooked dinner with friends and had good chats with people. Sunday was my brother's final dance showcase so a bunch of went to that. After we walked around campus doing random things and taking fun pictures. 

This week and month is going to get busy! Tomorrow is Clara's graduation. Thursday I start working at a new job. This weekend we have a special event at church as we host missionaries who went to Japan. Next week I'm off to Toledo for my first gig as a wedding photographer. I love that the bride is really laid back and the sister of my best friends. I'm so thankful for this opportunity and can't wait to see what it's like. After this I'll be working on editing the photos, then I'm off to NYC to see Jesus Culture. almost a week after my trip to NYC I'll be going back again to film my friend Brian's wedding. After that I'll have some down time. 

So I apologize for not posting as much. It's a good and bad thing right? I think I have to be in the right mindset to sit down and write and/or plan my blog. I'm still planning for my undone series and to do my best in updating on my summer adventures! 

mark + elysabeth || wedding

Beautiful pictures, eh? Most of them were taken by my lovely sister Clara with her Canon and handy 50mm. But you had to be at the wedding to really catch all of it's beauty and magic.

Not only was it full of amazing DIY decorations but every word spoken and every hug was soaked with sincerity. As soon as you arrived at the house you could see how much work and time was put into the wedding. The food was AMAZING with barbecued ribs, chicken and lot's of veggies. Plus, there was no cake but instead peach cobbler and apple pie with vanilla ice cream. We were fortunate enough to have had breakfast with them two days earlier so we could catch up, talk about life, laugh and eat good food. What I loved most about this wedding was their love for their family and friends. They were so approachable and made sure to talk to everyone that came up to them.

Their wedding was so unique and captured the personalities of both Mark and Lys. The pastor shared the essence of marriage and how marriage is THE GOSPEL. In one of the pictures above you can see Elysabeth talking to Mark's parents and thanking them for raising Mark. There was so much honor flowing in that backyard I don't think anyone's eyes were dry. Life really does flow through honor. Then they did communion and they played Set a Fire by United Pursuit Band & Will Reagan. The speeches by Mark's brothers and Jamie, the maid of honor, were powerful. It is an honor and blessing to be a part of this couple's life.

What I always loved about Mark and Lys was how comfortable they made me feel around them. I never felt like a third wheel. Near the latter half of my time in Korea I spent a lot of time with them and am so grateful that I did. There are some couples where I feel like a third wheel but not with these guys. They love as one but they love as individuals too. When I met both Mark and Lys' moms they already knew about me. Mark and Lys really know how to make you feel significant and valuable.

I honor and bless both you Mark and Lys! I'm so excited for what's in store for your life as ONE. Dream big and DO BIG!

here's to good weather || my life

It's May 2nd. The last few days of April were really crummy. The weather was rainy and really cold. The pictures above are my last pictures from April and it was a BEAUTIFUL day. I went for a walk in two different places in Waterloo. It was too hot to wear shoes so I went home to change into my Birks to sit at the dock and read along with some of my friends. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the weather will only get better from here on out. I know rain is important, but I really need some sun. I hate wearing socks and I want to wear sandals everyday! These pictures are my way of hoping the weather will get warmer and sunnier!