caring too much || life

It seems that wherever I go, no matter what season I'm in, I get myself involved with intense people and intense relationships. I don't think I was ever meant to be shallow. I wrote about how I was pretty disengaged in February. But the month of March I think it was the opposite. As I continued to put myself out there, go out, be comfortable with who I am, I found myself connecting people I didn't think I would connect with.

It takes time. It takes time to care, to be vulnerable and to be comfortable around new people. Honestly when I first came to Belleville I wasn't sure how this was going to work. I wasn't sure how I'd connect and who I'd become friends with. It's always a scary place to be when you're starting something new. Anybody remember the first day of middle school or high school? What a terrifying day. I had that same feeling when I moved to Korea in 2011 and became involved with a new church.

You feel completely naked. When you realize you're naked you do what you gotta do to make sure you're covered. You put up a front. You aren't yourself. You don't want anyone to see your weaknesses. You want to love and care for others, but not too much. Caring too much is a risk. You can get hurt. You can be rejected.

We tend to perceive things the wrong way only because of what we've experienced in the past. We're constantly reacting to our past -- making decisions and choices in reaction to our past. We make judgements and assumptions about other people based on our own grid in life.

All the second years have left the school. They're off on their internships and doing all kinds of amazing, new and different things. Not sure why but I started to spend more time with them this past semester. I knew they'd be leaving early, but I think it came way too fast. It was only in the past month that I started to really enjoy their company and their presence. All of us first years are feeling their absence. We miss them. I miss them.

I've gone through a lot of goodbyes and see ya laters and it never gets easy. What is amazing about all this is I know I've got good people in my life all across Canada. When I left Korea I knew I'd keep in touch and stay connected. It's been over a year since I left and I feel even closer to my friends in Korea because we made decisions to stay in touch.

Maybe I come off clingy or too strong in the way I care and love people. Who knows. There is something special about deeply caring for people without any pressure or demands. It's rare when you have those kinds of connections.

I don't think you can ever care too much about people. We should worry more about caring too little about people.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” - Francis Chan