a collection of thoughts || life

I haven't been able to put aside the time and energy to write in this blog. But I was reminded by a good friend of mine that there are the few faithful people out there reading this to keep up to date with what's going on with my life. 

It's been almost a month since I've been out of school. It's still amazes me that I completed my first year at Loyalist College. I remember the first day I moved to Belleville and how I didn't want to come back for a second year. I was so unsure about the program because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I told myself that if I didn't get a summer job at a newspaper I wouldn't go back for second year. Sometimes I can be really intense and extreme with my decision making, but it pushed me to work really hard and go for what I want. 

This summer I'm working as a photographer for a few small newspapers.  I'm going to get a taste of what it's like to be a photojournalist for local news. I don't know if this is what I want to do but I know this opportunity is going to help me grow as a photographer and as a person. It seems like this summer I'll be learning and doing a lot of new things. It's been really good so far. I have a great mentor and I can tell the people I'm with are going to be good workers to be around. It'd be easy to kind of underestimate and look down on what I'm doing since it is community news, but you gotta start somewhere. Be faithful and diligent in the small tasks then when the big opportunities come you'll be ready.

Other than the job I feel like my life has been under construction. I don't know if it's because I like to analyze and give meaning to every little thing I do but I've been discovering a lot about myself and the life I live. I have a collection of thoughts and observations that I'm still processing through. 

Validation. I need it. I want it. I want it from everyone and anyone. I mean, validation in general is important. If people don't validate my presence then I tend to feel invisible. I want to be affirmed in the things I do. As much as I tend to think "I don't care what people think" I do. I can't help it because I live with other people. When you're tightly knit with people you can't help but wonder what they think of you. You don't want to disappoint or let others down. 

It's draining to live for so many different people. Someone will be ok with what you do but another will be disappointed. How much authority do you give to the people around you? How much influence do their words and thoughts have on your life? I'm starting to see that I can't allow just anyone to have influence over me. If I want to validate my actions I'll look up things on the internet, ask a billion people what their opinion is and see what others would do if they were in my situation.

Yesterday on my day off I listened to one of my best friends, Gina, give a really talk on living for an audience of one. It helped me to be at peace with where I am in my life. I can't make everybody happy. I just want people to understand me and know me, but it seems almost near impossible. People are complex. There's almost 27 years to me one must know to fully understand me. 

I need to be patient with others and I have to ask for you to take your time with me. People need time. We can't rush through friendships. We have the time -- you just gotta find it. There's so much power and beauty in listening without an agenda. 

I thought by this age and stage in my life I'd have everything figured out. I wanted to meet certain deadlines by life accomplishments. I don't know why I thought I'd be a failure if I didn't get married and have kids before age 30. I'm not sure where these pressures come from but I've gotten rid of them. This is obvious, but because we're unique and different we're not going to live the same as someone else. I can't try to imitate someone else's life. Facebook, instagram and blogs are only a tiny peek into what's really going on in our lives. Don't let what others do affect you. I let it get to me easily and forget to live my own life. Do we know what it means to truly be present and live our own lives? I'm in the process of figuring it out.